My Battle With Mental Health (Chapter 1)[page 27] Coffee and Regret

I got of the bed…  and started walking over to door… the soft carpet under her bed… something that I did not notice before…  the floor was warm… but my hands still felt cold… numb even… but at that moment… with both of my feet firmly planted on the ground I had to stop my mind from wondering.  I knew what I needed to… my goal right now was coffee… down the hall and to the right, so I took my time walking towards the door… I wanted to get my head straight. I needed to make sure that I was awake… but who was I to think that my spine was going to be chilled… as I opened the door out to the rest of the house I felt a cold breeze against my skin… the warmth that I loved, the warmth that I felt like I needed was stripped away from me. The outside hallway was dark cold… the tiled floor exaggerated the cold, the fact that there was no light, made everything feel ominous.

                I had to go get her coffee…  So I walked on the cold floor chilling my bones I made my way to the kitchen as I got there the light orange light was still gently peering thought the window.  Made a quick cup. But as I was waiting for the cup to fill I felt the reality sink in… Char… Ice… Jen… Something went down… I could feel my heart skip a beat. Pinching pain as if my heart was stabbed with a knife. Fuck me… I Could the heat in my hands slowly dissipated.  Looking down at the black and white tiled floor.

Char she was with Danny so they should be good. technically speaking. They should be okay but if I were to guess,  Char would probably be the main problem if there was to be one…  Danny barely knows her so that is probably going to some kind of problem. but would that matter to him? probably not Danny is some kind of a woman’s man.

                Ice and Jen… the two cold hearted people I know… One quite literally. And they are the ones that just so happen to get together, naturally… their odd attraction to women. To say that they were bi would be an understatement. Ice Has just that touch to make her attractive to both men and women. But that might be the reason why. I fell for her in the first place but to keep things simple she just made things clear… she did not want a relationship with me.  but the truth is she wanted me to be with me, she just played hard to get  with someone that took it far too seriously, and by the time I found out what she really wanted it was far too late.  I did not want to deal with her anymore.

                Jen on the other hand. She kept things complicated… we had a fling here and there… but it was the cause for our down fall, but the real reason why we had to brake things off… was Alison. After that day when I lost her. I lost a whole lot more than just that. Alison was a level of… different… she dedicated herself to me… but Jen went  to far… She wanted more of me… Than what Alison got. but it made me realize a lot… Things where not even a game anymore. Things got to real to fast… and I wanted out. I did not want to deal with all of the stress. I wanted to be happy. But I looked in all the wrong places… ally way fights…  school bullying… the bottom of a bear. But… I just did not work. When Alison came in to me life things where looking up but the truth is… It was just all wrong… to fast… to soon. I was just not ready for it… I over used the kindness that she gave… and now… I found a new way of viewing the world… I’ll admit that I am still mad. i still wish that she did not leave me…  and I still find it far to hand to move on from something like that, some times I still feel my anger for her… her and Jen… I’m just so sick and tried of the way she treats me… she caused so much pain just because of her jealousy. And the trust is I’m tried of how I treat other people… I’m so tried. But I just got to push past it