My Battle With Mental Health (Chapter 1)[page 22] Cold as ICE

I felt my chest race… and my face was frozen I looked at her and she simply just looked back at me… she looked deep in to my eyes.. I felt my lips move but I could not speak… She reached out and pulled me closer, slowly wrapping her arms around me.

“Sander?”
“I don’t know…. What… I don’t know what to say… honestly I don’t even know what you are asking …. Or why you would even ask that?”
“I… Sorry… I did not mean to pry… It’s just that I noticed the way you looked at them.”
“Please don’t assume that… I… I honestly don’t know how I feel about them just yet… Honestly i want to find out how I feel about myself before anything else.”
“No Sander… I… wait… I did not mean to say anything like that…”
“Don’t… start please… I just want to have a drink and a talk…”

                I stood up and looked out the window… Char and Danny disappeared same with Jen and Ice… I looked at where they were standing. And after a second I heard the door opened, a soft blasting of music made my bone’s chill… as I saw all four of them enter the room… first was Danny then next was Char fallowed by Jen and last was Ice… naturally I saw Danny holding a bag full of bottles.  He started to put them on the table… as Niki and I simply looked on at him.

“So I hope you two kept the room clean…” Danny said
“I hope you don’t think they actually did anything in my bar” Char added.
“Please char what else would these do in there alone time…” Ice and Jen looked at each other before sitting down on a sofa near the window… at this point I looked closely at them.
“Give me some credit Danny… I mean… We were only here for a minuet at least…” Danny suddenly smiled then said…
“Sander… we have been down stairs for ten minutes…” Niki simply nodded… then she spoke
“You just stood there for a few minutes.”
“What’s wrong Sander frozen?” Danny quickly added…
“probably cuz Ice is here…” Char added. I turned my head to look back at Ice… she just looked at me… to save myself I quickly said.
“Char said it not me…” Ice suddenly stood up and picked up a bottle… she sat down and opened the bottle. Then made a retort
“You are the ass hat that gave me that nickname…”
“It was not only me… I was Char too…”I said pointing at Char. Then we all turned to look at char.

                The room quickly fell silent as I picked up a bottle from the table… Char looked at me and sat down at the table… Niki and I sat down on a nearby bean bag. I felt Niki warp her arms around me as we sat down. As that happened I saw Danny wrap his arms around Char… truth be told I was not surprise if they were together  then I would be okay, totally no problem for me… even if my insides where telling me to throw the bottle at them.  My hand started to shake and Niki reached down and held my hand… her hand was warm and comforting… she looked in to my eyes… her eyes begging me not to hurt anyone… even if my skin felt cold I found that they did not really matter… do you know when kept on telling yourself that everything was going to be okay…. I kept on telling myself that I did not like char…

                That was clearly not true at this point… as I looked around the room the only person looking at me was Ice… she was looking at me and she started to shake her head… Niki pulled me closer to her. the room was so silent you could hear the muffled singer from outside. She was singing some old song… it was popular about 50 years ago. Danny looked at everyone for a second…

“So what’s everyone’s plan for tonight?”
“I’m going to get drunk and pass out in Sander’s house” Niki said. I simply nodded.
“Jen? Ice how about you two? ”
“Jen and I will be… working out some personal problems after a few drinks…” said Ice.
“What kind of personal problems are those… if I may ask?”
“Um Jen and I are… fighting over a guy…”
“Ohh… well… um who might that be?”
“I don’t think we should say just yet, we don’t want to make too much of a problem for some people.”
“… … … Char? How about you what are you think of? Plans tonight??  I mean to say…”
“Um… maybe just going to drink and maybe have a nice walk around the park near my house.”
“I think I’ll join you…” added Danny…
“Well it’s less of a park and more like a trial.”
“ether way I’ll still join you.” Danny added.

                As the room fell silent, I found that I was just looking at the bottle in my hand… honestly my brain was going blank… my vision was going blurred as I stared down at the bottle. I looked down and I realized that almost half my drink was gone. I turned to look at Niki and saw her trying to drown whatever problem was eating her from the inside. I watched as the bottle in her hand slowly drop as she tilted her head back down I watched as she looked back in to my eyes… you could tell that there was something wrong.  She was struggling to keep her head straight. You could basically see the fake smile that she had on slowly crumble. With each sip of that drink, you could see her fake smile slowly fade… she knew that that was near the end of it… her personal conviction to keep that smile was slowly lost.

                Once again I felt as if I was slowly braking.  Niki knew how to deal with everything… put on the fake smile… make everyone happy while she suffered internally…  I wish I could say that I relate to her… she knows that she is broken… and to me that actually… makes me feel like I have hope… I know for a fact that it’s not all worthless… but I’ve just been trying to hope… I did not want to seem like such a downer every time when I am around other people I care about…  Niki… she was something that I

wanted to be… I wanted to be something like her. I wanted to be as productive as her . even if I was flawed…even if I was broken I just wanted to be as popular as she is. But no.. I’m the guy that sits around I class waiting to get harassed by the next teacher that comes in.

                At the time my mind was flooded with a lot of things. I did not realized that my mind was wondering so far. My eyes were locked with Niki’s, she already got in to my mind. It was as if the weight of the world was pushing down on her. But as I was about to get lost in her eyes once more  a voice broke the silence.